How we can heal trauma and integrate childhood wounds through trauma-informed Breathwork
I remember one of the first breathwork sessions I ever experienced in Costa Rica years ago. It took me DEEP.
I went in rolling my eyes actually; assuming this was just another meditation class and that my friends advice to wear waterproof mascara (or none at all) was just plain silly.
Fast forward to the end of that 90 minute session of circular connecting breath…and WOW
The RAGE I had felt 🔥
The CALM I had found. 💗
But first, I had to be in that RAGE.
At first it appeared as anger at myself for coming to the class in the first place.
Then it morphed into mad fire directed towards the facilitator (my ego’s way of assigning blame for all that uncomfortable FEELING I was experiencing)
And eventually; as I melted into the beingness of it all, and allowed the fury to find it’s place in my heart; I got to know it.
And I understood where it came from and why it had been in hiding for so, so, long.
It was messy; my big feelings needed lots of space; much like a toddler having a tantrum, the emotions needed room to breathe too…
And in the end, my tears and moans and screams and yells were met with nothing but love and understanding.
Breathwork is a light.
It shines our shadows bright and activates us in a way that no other medicine can; allowing old pain, fear, anger, and grief to dissolve, release, and transmute into…
Love.
Clarity.
Peace.
Quiet.
Calm.
It doesn’t always look good; but how it feels? PRICELESS
After this experience I went on to certify as a Breathwork Facilitator in 2017.
Breathing is a fundamental function that we can do automatically, as well as consciously. This gives us access to co-creation, from automated reactions to creative responses. We are hardwired with awareness, intuition, innate wisdom and healing ability.
Conscious breathing connects us fast and undeniably. As we drop into Presence (an all-inclusive state of non-reaction) we are able to release contraction and resistance, and welcome all of our aliveness. We are fundamentally changed by the transmissions that come through.
Letting the breath do the work
Breathwork is the simplest tool to use for personal growth and transformation.
SO what WAS that anger I felt in that session?
It was the anger I felt to ward the boys that had hurt me as a young girl ; I was molested and experienced date rape.
It was anger I felt towards the men in my life at the time who I EXPECTED would protect me.
I did not feel SAFE as a young person. And so I have created SO MANY coping mechanisms for that little girl deep inside in order to feel safe now, as an adult.
The ANGER was an emotion I didn’t understand or feel safe to feel as a young girl and so I learned that I should stuff it down.
I also learned that if others weren’t going to make me feel safe, then I had to do it on my own. So I began to CONTROL Things.
I did not feel safe in my body, so I created a sense of control over my body through an eating disorder and substance abuse. The booze - numbing the feelings, and the bulimia serving to maintain order.
I also did not feel safe in the WORLD because in my eyes it looked as though my trusted caregivers would only love me if I was perfect. For a while I thought there was no way I could compare to the “perfect ones” around me, and so I rebelled. I became everything they WEREN’T while also maintaining precise accuracy in my mess (containing chaos was safe to me).
Perfectionism and “always having it all together” is my adult version of this “protector”; still a means to feel safe even after overcoming my addictions and healing so many of my wounds.
I have always had an idea about all of this, and last week after sitting with plant medicine I began to see how ancient this fear and lack of safety really was.
The good thing is you don’t need plant medicine to see this stuff AND to heal it!
ENTER: BREATHWORK
All of us have habits or go-to responses that we adopt as result of our upbringing. I mean aren’t we all just grown-up children trying to cope with LIFE?
So what really happens is as we’re growing up, not every experience is perfect. As children we are really just constantly seeking to have our needs met. That’s what our existence is about. And if one (or more) of these needs are missed by our caretakers, if they’re not met - then a rupture occurs.
Another way to talk about this is to call this rupture a “wound”.
If we have a wound, as children what we do is we then create some sort of habit, or protector or addiction as a means of survival. And then we carry that habit into adult hood. Now that protector or HABIT seems to work in the short term as it allows us to feel as though our need has been met but it’s really just a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.
What we really need to do as adults and what we can begin to process through things like medicine or Breathwork; is to uncover or remove these protectors. The first thing is to realize that they exist. Bring our awareness to them. And then meet the rapture or the wound in its purest essence. And then bring heaps of love to it as we witness it, and that is how the healing can occur.
What habits/limiting beliefs/stories have YOU adopted in order to “meet” an unmet need from your childhood?
These habits or stories are often carried out by our ego.
And a big part of what I believe is important in this work is to not try to abolish or make enemies with the ego, or this part of ourselves, but rather seek to understand it, and even make friends with it.
For me, when the fear and shame and feelings of being unsafe became too much and I contemplated suicide as a young girl, the protectors that I created was my eating disorder and my dependence on alcohol. My ego created these habits to keep me safe in the moment. But as a 42 old woman, I no longer need an eating disorder or dependence on alcohol to protect me from anything. I have a lot of other tools in my toolbox now.
Many of us adults move through life living from our EGO space - the created version of us that oversees allll of these habits and protection mechanisms. When we begin to do spiritual work, we can then start to move more in to our heart space; connecting to our soul, so we can see life for what it really is in the present; not always falling back into old habits at every familiar feeling that pops up.
What can happen though, is that we get triggered. When we have an experience in life that draws up the familiar feelings we felt as a child not getting a need met; we tend to unconsciously lean on our protectors or our old habits for survival.
For me, I get most triggered by men who want sex or those in authority roles. And if something happens between me and a man who I am intimate with or with a man who "should" be on my side and taking care of me that reminds me of a circumstance where I felt unsafe as a child; my ego wants to swoop in and PROTECT me.
When I am in a conscious state and can see it happen, I sit back and speak to myself in a loving way, almost as if I am inviting my ego to have a seat beside me on the sofa. I thank my ego for having protected me for so long and I understand where it’s coming from, but I am not in an unsafe situation in the present moment, and I can rest and trust that I’m safe.
Does that make sense?
You can listen to this in more detail in Episode #72 of The Meg Pearson Podcast.
I also plan to go further into all of this over future episodes here on the pod AND I will be explaining it a bit more again in my upcoming Alchemy of Breath Masterclass happening Thursday Dec 15th, 5pmPST | 8pmEST! You can register for this FREE session here.