I AM Deserving.
Updated: May 21
Sunday morning vibes...
Running is like an activating moving meditation for me. I have just recently got back on a regular routine with it, and boy, the things I've learned. Today, the lesson came through regarding something I have been talking a lot about in person with clients, friends, and guests at the hotel. 💚
This pic is of me, New York City circa 2010. It was taken by my dinner date and then boyfriend (who became my fiancé the day after this photo was taken; that marriage never came to fruition). This was a period in my twenties when I enjoyed a brief reprieve from my bulimia; a time that saw me enjoying life, pursuing a career in fitness, and feeling pretty good in my body. My father was ill, I was in my first year of bankruptcy, and I still held some deep-rooted anxiety around eating. But I did it, as we do, every day. And with company at every meal nonetheless.
You see, I have come to realize lately, that even after all my healing, I still enjoy dining alone. There is still something "holding on" about that, a tiny pebble of my ex ED (Eating Disorder) still hanging around. The difference now though, is I don't eat alone to hide a binge, rather I enjoy it as a ceremony. Something just for me...with nice music, perhaps a candle or two. Sometimes in front of the Food Network, but mostly ritualistic and sweet. An honoring.
I thought I knew that my desire to eat alone now was just a small tie to the comfort I used to feel during a binge; that I STILL do it just to feel calm. In control in the out-of-controlness, to feel the freedom of being hidden, alone, of being the nothing that I am...
But on my run this morning, I realized that it is not because of any of this. But because I still deep down feel...
I don't deserve to nourish MYSELF.
And I am ashamed to let others see me do it.
I spend all my time nourishing others, and even when I was in the deepest throes of my eating disorder and addicted life, I still gave. I gave 1000% into my work in television, and 50% to family and friends (if that, even) through feeding THEM. Cooking for THEM. Offering to them what I would not ever allow my undeserving self.
And so today, I release this idea. I am letting that shit GO. And I am open for dinner invites anytime friends. 💖
Want to work with me so YOU can begin uncovering the darkness dimming YOUR lightFULL life?